How in the Hell is it March already? And April never fails to come after March.
I’ll tell you what – this taking things hour by hour and day by day is working ok for us. Some days are harder than others. There have been many nights where I lay awake, not wanting to fall asleep because I don’t want to wake up the next day. But, we’ve gotten used to it. We do it because we don’t really have a choice. But there is a downside, I guess, to taking things day by day. Suddenly you wake up and realize that your son’s SECOND birthday is almost here.
Where has the last year gone?
I am not sure how to feel about Evan’s birthday coming up at the end of March. I wish I could say that I already know the details for his second birthday cookout, like we did last year. I wish I could say that I am busy planning that, like I was last year. I wish I could say that I had been staying up late each night, trying to perfect the sugar turtle cupcake toppers for the cupcakes for that day, just like last year. But I haven’t. Not even close. I am actually feeling dread leading up to the cookout. Maybe because we haven’t really told anyone about it yet. Maybe because we don’t even know what time it is going to be yet.
Maybe because I’ve been meaning to post pictures from last year’s party and haven’t done so yet! I also have so many journal writings from things in 2013 that I never put onto the blog that I want to share! I’m not ready!
I knew Evan’s first birthday was coming. Ever since he died, I knew that if we made it to his first birthday, we would celebrate it. And honestly, most of the parts of me feel like, OK, we made it through the first year – aren’t we done yet? Don’t we get to go be with Evan now? A whole year of putting one foot in front of the other was enough to last me a lifetime, so don’t I get to go now?
Now we have almost made it through year two, which I now know to be just as hard, if not harder, than year one. I have a feeling I will be kicking and screaming into the third year. The THIRD year?!?!??? Wait, what? When did that happen?
And I feel terrible for not having the party planned by now. I feel terrible for not being overly excited about it. The guilt is heavy. The sadness is heavy. I wish I felt some hope or happiness that the day will be just fine and lovely – just like last year. Honestly, I just want to curl up in a ball and waste away. And I know it will be nice. I know it will all work out. The days and weeks after an event, holiday or anniversary are always the hardest.
I love our little man with every single ounce of energy I have. Every single cell in my body loves him so much, that they are on the verge of bursting. Our sweet little family of three (five if you count the cats), always missing one. And that one makes all the difference.
Somehow for us, two minus one will always equal zero.