PAIL Awareness Day

Wave of Light 10/15/15

“How long do you want to be loved?  Is forever enough?…” <3 Dixie Chicks

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Tonight, I light my three candles for the three babies I hold in my heart, and all of the children gone too soon.

Evan Daniel 3/29/12 – 4/23/12

Tater Tot (“Tot”)-April 2015

“Newbie”-September 2015

I wish to share tonight how much each of them is dearly loved and missed.  I know so many other moms, dads, and families whose hearts ache each and every day, missing children that were taken too soon or that they were never able to meet.  I think of them tonight as well, and hold them so very close to my heart.  And it pains me to know how many others there are out there.

What rises out of all of this pain and loss is love.  That is the common component.  You cannot have great pain without great love, as they say.  At least this is what I know to be true.

This year has been a roller coaster of joy and hope, to heartache and emptiness.  I have learned a lot.  Some things I wished I hadn’t.  I don’t know how equipped I am yet to write about our most recent losses, as well as how this past year has evolved for us.  I definitely want to.  I have been lovingly encouraged by others to write.  I will.

I feel like I either have an overwhelming amount to share and process, or I am not quite sure how to start putting words together.

The pain is heavy.  It has piled upon itself.  There do not always seem to be three separate piles of pain, like you might think.  It just seems to stack on itself, causing older, scabbed wounds to rip open.

But in other ways, and at different times, I feel each wound as its own separate space.

See, I feel a little all over the place.  Which, as my mindfulness practices will tell me, means I need to write :)

I just have to figure out where to start…

Thank you everyone for your continued love, support, and hugs <3

“Make A Wish”

Happy half-birthday, Evan!
It hit me that your half-birthday was coming up, and I couldn’t stop thinking of cupcakes. After a long time of steering clear of sugar, we, for a couple reasons, have been temporarily binging (more like, not caring as much) the past couple of weeks. Perfect timing, as I had not-so-much guilt when I went and picked these beauties up today.

It seems like it’s been a lot longer than six months since your 3rd birthday. So much has happened in that time. There’s been beauty and there’s been heartache. There’s been lives started, and then lost.  There have been trips taken, and stretches of time spent bumming around. A couple of seasons have come and gone.  Just – a lot. A lot for six months. So much so that it feels like much longer.

I was so relieved to be able to do something special this evening with Daddy for you. We are all-consumed with our love, and longing, for you. And it feels good when we get to stop and acknowledge that, and only that.  And the cupcakes were yummy :)

We want more than ever to be able to pick you up and love on you. We want those snuggles and goofy conversations. We want crazy days and long nights. We want all those things that we will never have. But, we will always have our love for you.

Sending you lots of extra love and hugs today. I hope to see you in my dreams, sweetie.


Happy 3rd Birthday!!

Hi Sweetie,

Happy Birthday, my love!  I can’t believe you turn 3 today.  I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.  It was the most magical day of our lives.  Our lives changed forever.  One day I will finish writing your birth story, as I believe it to be the best love story of all time :)  

I hope you enjoyed your day and had a big celebration!  I hope you felt all the love people sent your way today.

We sure do miss you buddy.  

Happy happy happy birthday!!

Xoxoxo and lots of love,

Mom and Dad 

‘Tis The Season

It’s that time of the year again. This is the time of year when my year seems to end and begin.

The weather starts to get warmer and nature stars to get colorful. Things start to bloom and get a hint of life, where they have been so bare and empty. People start spending more time outdoors. The birds and other critters are out and about. Breathe deeply – spring is almost here.

The fact that Evan was born this time of year seems fitting for those reasons. There’s such beauty and promise in the air, and that’s what I feel his spirit is.

As we head into this rougher-than-usual time of the year, I am keeping my senses open. I will feel the crushing hurt, heavy aching, intense longing, and all of that which comes from Evan not being here with us. I will feel the fondness of my memories with him. I will remember the things that made us laugh, or smile or cry. I will make time for really letting those things in – the good and the sad, the love and the ache. I will make time for me and for us to do all things “Evan”. I will make time for whatever it is I feel I need to do. I have been trying to do this along the way the several months, but sometimes it can be hard to carve out that time. All I need to do is be aware of it.

I’ve been taking a short walk some days after work. The idea was that it would be yet another tool that I could use to work with my anxiety, trauma, and stress. I’ve learned that combatting those things takes proactive actions instead of reactions. And a physical action such as walking or exercise helps to manage those things. I have a series of tapes that I listen to fairly regularly. One of the tracks is a walking meditation exercise that I listen to when I take these walks. It talks you through your walk from a mindful perspective, and guides you to use all of your senses and bring you to the present.

The more I develop this mindfulness, the more I find Evan in life. Let me rephrase that – the more I feel Evan in my life, every day. And it’s feeling him and his energy that makes me better. I think about him all the time, of course. And I feel the physical ache and longing for him. But he’s so much more than that to me. I’ve been amazed at how I can develop our relationship and our bond when Evan’s not even physically here with us. But it truly has, and as odd as it may sound, it hasn’t just come from my side.

I will continue to see Evan in everything I do. I will continue to breathe in his energy and soak in his sunshine and feel wrapped in his love. I will see the beautiful blooms that come to life and the color that fills the sky, and I will know that it’s all for me, from Evan.

If you really pay attention, you can soak up so much of the energy that’s floating around this time of year. Maybe the next time you get a hit of spring that clears your head and makes you breathe easier, it’s Evan saying hello and offering a big hug.

Merry Christmas, Baby <3

Well, the day is over.  As usual, Christmas seemed to sneak up on me and then it feels like it’s over in a flash.  We’re lucky that we get to spend the time with great family and exchange some wonderful gifts.  We’re always missing you though, sweetie.  It’s not the same without you, and never will be.  But the day was nice.  And now I brace myself for the days after the holidays, which always seem harder somehow.  This does not get any easier.  We miss you so much.

We love that some people did random acts of kindness in your memory, or made donations, or mentioned you this holiday season.  This sounds so cliche, but it really means more to us than they will know.  It gives us that glow in our hearts that pushes us through the season.  It’s so beautiful that others remember you.  It makes us feel less alone in this pain.

We hope you had a wonderful Christmas, Evan.  Everyone here misses you so much.  We wish you could be here with us.  We will now prepare for the even harder days that follow a holiday.  We’ll hold each other and talk about you and smile and figure out a way to make it through.  And we’ll think about all the other families that we call friends, who are also missing little ones from their lives.  We’re in this together, as unfortunate as it is.  We can only hope all of you little ones are gathered together and celebrating.

We love you, sweetie pie.  Another Christmas down, a million more to go.

A Half Birthday Kind of Day


photo 1

This change in seasons is throwing us all over the place.  We cannot seem to get our bearings before our moods and feelings are changing once again.  It is almost impossible to focus on things that need attention, and very easy to focus on things that don’t.

This time of year is my favorite – the colors, the weather.  I find myself breathing it in, savoring it.  Some of the clothes I am unpacking in getting ready for the new season, are the same ones I wore when I was pregnant.  Baggy chic sweaters, suede leggings and long sweater vests.  They are some of my favorite pieces and not just because they remind me of the wonderful time we had with Evan.

I feel how much I miss that time, and how much I want it back so badly.  I just want to replay it from start to finish, and then hit repeat.  It was that magical to us.  Even the more painful moments were the best moments of our lives.  Trauma or no trauma, it doesn’t matter.

We enjoy these beautiful days together when we can.  Tonight, we were able to cook a nice meal and celebrate Evan with these yummy cupcakes.  Even though it is rainy and damp outside, and both of us feel beaten down it seems, we manage to cozy-up inside and light a candle for our boy.  We let the warmth of his constant presence in our lives shine through us and make us smile.  He makes our world so much brighter.  We wait for this wave of intense grief to slightly subside, sending us some relief to catch our breaths and focus on those things that need attention.

We love you, Evan, and miss you.  Happy Half Birthday!

Why Am I Still Surprised?

How is it that my carefree Sunday turned into a heart-stomping fest?  With the excitement that followed our football team’s stunningly beautiful win this weekend, my husband and I were determined to do nothing the following day – except eat and drink leftovers from our game get together, and watch football.  There was nothing we felt like we needed to do but that, even around the house.  We felt the need to continue the celebration with a care-free day and end to our weekend.


Somehow, even though the day started fine and relaxing, at some point for me it turned heart-wrenching.  I couldn’t really tell you why or how.  I just suddenly felt this overwhelming aching in my chest and sadness in my soul.  It just sort of creeped in, until I was sitting there on the sofa, knitting and crying.  I had clearly given myself permission to sit and do nothing except what I wanted to do, so why was my body not cooperating.  Did it not understand what I meant when I said it was OK to have this day of nothing?


I have been doing so much work over the past couple of years.  I have been trying to be kinder and gentler with myself and my life.  I have been cutting myself some slack.  I have been trying to place myself in nurturing environments, and avoiding those that are unsafe to me.  I have been practicing self-preservation and calmness.  Recently, I have been doing a lot of trauma work as well, with seems to have helped some with my almost-constant physical feeling of anxiety.  I should pat myself on the back.  I do need to work on this, as I will beat myself up in a second, but not take the time to give myself praise for the positive things I do for myself.  Amazingly, practicing these things and learning to put myself first is incredibly hard.  It’s not natural instinct.  But, I understand the importance of it, and can see a definite difference.


After all of this, I still feel surprised sometimes when a large wave of grief hits me.  We’ve been in survival mode now for some time.  You get through the days as best you can.  The days turn into weeks and then months.  We find ourselves enjoying things as best we can, when we can – which is more often than you might think.  Sometimes, enjoyable times seem almost effortless, where we can have fun and almost feel like our old selves (almost).  Sometimes, these things feel exceptionally bittersweet.  You might be having fun doing something, and be crying, or wanting to cry, and the same time because you can feel that missing piece of your soul.  You just feel that emptiness and aching there, even though you are enjoying yourself.


When the grief “wave” hits, the emptiness and sadness become so overwhelming, it is hard to function in our day to day.  I know its ok and expected.  But when it hits, like it did yesterday, I feel completely taken back by it.  Why do I still feel surprised at this?  Its not as waves never hit us anymore – they come fairly frequently, and sometimes we feel like all we’re doing is treading water.  And it does not hit and go away.  I now feel swallowed by it, and expect it to stay for some time.  The seasons are changing.  The dreaded holidays are coming.  This aching, sadness, and emptiness we feel is so freaking hard to function with, it makes me feel like giving up all over again.  It will pass at some point, and I will once again try to use that time to amp up motivation and energy to do the day to day things that suffered in my life during the overwhelming time.  And then it will hit again and I will feel almost paralyzed again by grief.  And the cycle continues.  And I know this and expect this.  It’s fine, and honestly, I have accepted this as a part of life now.  I know this will continue as long as I live in some capacity and frequency or another.  I have the knowledge of these things.  I have tools to help me.  But why am I still surprised?

Happy 29th Month Birthday


Happy Birthday, love!  I tried to write yesterday on your actual day, but my emotions were overwhelming and draining.  The seasons are chaining…yet again.  It’s football season.  We just got back from our beach vacation.  We miss you.  We feel you missing in our lives.  The only way we could describe that feeling is…heavy.

I am finding it hard to believe that next month, you would have been 2 1/2 years old.  Before I know it, it will be our 3rd set of winter holidays without you.  And then after that, I will be searching for the perfect “3” candle for your 3rd birthday.  Just hard to believe.

The more time that goes by without you, the more I realize how intertwined our souls are.  I feel you in every moment of our lives.  With every breath I take, I feel you.  We are connected.  It means I sit on the beach and look out into the sand and the surf, and without even consciously thinking, I see you – our little beach bum boy running around playing in the sand and dipping your feet in the water.  It means I sit on the couch and see you sitting on the floor, playing make believe and smiling.  I feel like I can almost touch you sometimes as I picture you snuggling close with us on the couch.  Almost.  The almost is the killer.  

photo-3 photo-4

Our little Evan tree is doing ok.  Not too long after we planted it, Japanese beetles (didn’t even know we had them!) attacked the heck out of the tree.  It was so bad, I was preparing myself that we were going to lose the tree – trying to get used to the idea of digging it up and throwing it away.  After removing many of the completely dead and eaten leaves, putting up some defenses for the beetles, and lots of TLC, the leaves came back even more red and bigger.  The top half of the tree has these new leaves growing back, but the bottom half of the tree has the greener leaves (which is what they become in the spring/summer hot weather).  Some of those green leaves are partially eaten or dead, but not enough to pull off.  They are doing ok.  So the bottom half looks a little sad and the top half looks bright and vibrant.  We’ll continue to work on it and maybe one day the tree will look like the same tree throughout :)  We were so glad that the tree seemed to come back though!  It’s now one of a kind :) And now that we know we have a beetle problem, we will be sure to be proactive in fending them off.

We love you, Evan!     



To Evan’s Daddy

Our little boy was so amazed by you and loved you so much.  I don’t just say those things because I think or hope that’s how Evan felt.  I know that’s how he felt.  The way he looked at you, with pure amazement, melts my heart to this day.  The way he would grab your fingers when he felt you close was breathtaking.  And let’s not forget to mention that he was a spitting image of his old man :)

The way you calmly talked to him puts a smile on my face.  The way you held him as we were letting him go makes my heart sing and ache at the same time.  And the pride that radiates from you as Evan’s daddy is blinding.  You are so proud of him and will brag about him anytime, any place.

And everyday my heart breaks a little more, knowing that you must endure this life with me, without our son.  And I will never understand why.  Our life will always be missing someone most special.  Missing our person.  Our lives will never be complete.  Ever.  No matter what.

So many of the Father’s Day cards that are out there are about “Dad being cool because he plays sports with me or takes me fishing” or “Dad fixes things and takes care of things around the house”.  There are so many more important things that being a dad is.  Those things don’t make someone a good dad.  The way you love your son unconditionally, with every ounce of energy you have.  The way you sacrificed yourself for his well-being.  The protective way you watched over him, even when there was nothing we could physically do for him.  You were there.  You are there.

And that’s what makes you the best Daddy Evan could ever ask for.  There are no cards out there that say that.  It’s hard to even put it into words.  But just know that it’s true and that you did everything in your power for our son, and you continue to do so in his memory.

And as I’ve told you before, I can vividly picture Evan above, surrounded by his friends.  He’s pointing down at you, with the biggest smile on his face, glowing with pride, and saying “That’s my Daddy!”



Mother’s Day

This past Mother’s Day was so perfect.  I got to stay in bed in the morning, later than I normally would.  Grant had gotten up and was obviously busy downstairs.  Preparing a surprise for me, I was sure!  I smelled all kinds of wonderful aromas coming from the kitchen.  I heard little screeches, laughter, and whispers.  I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.  A little boy climbed into bed with me, with the biggest smile on his face, so proud of all that he had helped Daddy with that morning.  I requested snuggles and kisses, although all he wanted to do was show me what he had made for me.  We all sat in bed and ate breakfast, plenty of smiles and kisses to go around.  We talked about what we were going to do that day – take a walk and just be outside to enjoy the beautiful weather.  It was perfect.

And then I realized that I had in fact woken up, and it was Mother’s Day.  But, I had been blank-staring into no space in particular – imagining what this day could have been.

In reality, it was nothing like that.  It started out fine.  I shared some sweet messages with family and friends.  While I know no one needs to go out of their way to wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day”, they did, and I hold that so near and dear to my heart.  It means so much more than they would ever know.  It saved the day.

Somehow at brunch with my husband, our conversation turned to a topic that always ends in tears and heightened emotions.  I have no idea how we got on that topic, but that put an end to a near-salvageable day, as it usually does.  It was bad, really bad.  And it was not at all what I had in mind for the day.  The hard feelings just wouldn’t go away, and we couldn’t seem to blow past it, as many times as we revisited it to try and set it aside and move forward.  But this day is already an overly emotional one for both of us.  I think we both know how much we rely on each other to get through.  Having those times when you feel like you are so far apart from the one you need the most, well, that is next to unbearable.  Another conversation for another post perhaps.    

This day was supposed to be about me and Evan, our family of 3.  It was a day meant to celebrate my becoming a mother over 2 years prior.  I was supposed to be celebrating that Evan was the best thing that ever happened to me.  It was supposed to be a peaceful attempt to make the day about me, being proud to be Evan’s mom.  This day is always bittersweet – the good and not-so-good.  But, I felt like I was drowning most of the day.   

The day ended better.  We managed to get ourselves together and carry on with our day.  Time with my family always tends to help me to relax and be in the moment.  I just wanted to start the day all over and skip the parts that weren’t meant to be.  But instead, we agreed to attempt to make the next day a better one.  And it was.  

The way Mother’s Day should have been was so much better.  We wouldn’t argue about those things, because we would both be the people we were before we lost Evan.  We would be those people who blissfully went about their lives with their beautiful little boy.  Sure, life would have its challenges, but we would be just like everyone else we know – going about our lives and believing that everything was perfect the way it was, not knowing what it meant to lose everything.  Those were the days.  I miss being that person.  That mother I was able to be from my pregnancy until April 23, 2012 – I want to be her forever.  But my world has been flipped upside down and burned to the ground.  I may be that mother – loving, protective, nurturing, just wanting to spend all my time with my little family of 3 – but I am no longer that person.  We are no longer those people.  


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