Out of nowhere this afternoon, I was blindsided by a wave of longing & needing for you. I always miss you, always long for you, and desperately wish you were here. But, it was wrapped with intense, nauseating tears today. I guess when you love and long for someone so much, day in and day out, it almost becomes something that is inevitably and wholly a part of you. It begins to feel normal to you. It’s something you carry around with you; it’s a part of who you are.
I was literally sitting on the couch, contemplating if I should continue to lay there or be somewhat productive. I was watching some sort of reality TV trash (that I sometimes love to indulge in). And what felt like out of nowhere, tears started pouring down my face, I’m wailing, and my chest starts to feel incredibly heavy with that longing feeling that I know all too well. No trigger, no reason, just a sudden rush of intense longing. All of a sudden, I could just picture you running around on our new hardwood floors. I could almost hear you say “mom” and see your beautiful smile. The house is so quiet this afternoon. It would be so dramatically different if you were here.
Tomorrow is one month until your little sister’s due date. It’s starting to really feel more real with each passing day. Each day feels closer to our new reality of her being here safely.
All I feel in this moment is a heaviness in my heart for you. Five years…just over five years…since we said goodbye. Grief never fails to surprise me. I just want to hug you so fiercely. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe with the heaviness of it all.
There is so much beauty in our pain and grief. I have learned that grief and love are one in the same. You cannot grieve deeply without having love that is so deep.
We are probably in for an emotional rollercoaster in the coming weeks and months (and probably years). I have not felt quite this blindsided in a while. Maybe my mind and body are preparing me for what’s to come. Like I said, you are always there, our pain is always there, but so is our love. At this moment, the pain won overwhelming. Sometimes it’s more balanced. Sometimes I simply smile thinking of you. But when it hits me like this, I have learned to just ride the wave. It washes over me and I let the emotions out. I feel the emotions as strongly as they will come, and cry as much as I can. It’s freeing. It’s truthful. And it’s love.
My dear, I love you with all my heart. I ache for you to be here. I want you here. I want to see the joy in your face when you hold your little sister. I want to see you teach her things and show her the world through your eyes. I can truly almost see it.
But, I know you will be there along the way. You always have been. I just wish it could be in a different way. We miss you so much.
This little girl is going to love and adore you…I just know it ❤ ❤ ❤