About this time 2 years ago, we found out we were pregnant with Evan.  Wow, two years ago.  Two years ago we started telling our families.  Two years ago I called the doctor’s office and was surprised to learn I wouldn’t have an appointment until 9 weeks.  Two years ago when our lives changed forever.  Two years ago I read that test, with the second line so faint, I wasn’t even sure it was there.

I think about how far we’ve come since then.  The ups and downs and everything in betweens.  I think about how different we are now.  We are completely different people. Not in a bad way, but definitely different, and will never be the same.  That’s what losing a child, your soul, will do to you.

In those two years, I have never been happier, been more hopeful, been more naive, been more in nesting mode, felt more magical, been more complete, felt so broken, felt so empty and lost, felt so alone, and yearned for someone so fully.  It’s amazing to think all of those feelings, many of which still are in effect today, happened in the span of 2 years.  It seems so unreal.  Is it possible for two people to feel all of that?

I know I’ve said this many times before, but I want to do it all over again.  I would do it again so that we could be with Evan again.  I want to see him looking up at us again – gazing at us with utter amazement.  Us, pushing our faces close enough to him so that we knew he could focus on us and really see us.  Ahhhh those moments…

Beautiful EyesI would give anything to be back there.