First of all, I have been pretty bad about blogging lately.  I have so many tidbits and experiences and letters to Evan that I write – but they are in my actual journal(s) that I keep floating around, and they don’t get on the blog as often as I hope them too.  I am working on it.  I am slow at everything now and I don’t always follow through.  That is not really who I was before, so I am trying to adjust and get used to it, but it is still agrivating 🙂  But, anyways, it’s not because I’m not writing, that I’m not blogging as much.  That last step of putting it on the blog is just not happening with everything.  And I know that’s ok.  Writing is still a staple in my life.

Today, Evan has been gone for 16 months.  The storm that rolled through our area today seems to have correctly captured my mood and emotions.  Today has been a mixed-feelings sort of day.  It’s Friday, which I always love because it means it’s the weekend and the weekends are my time to do whatever the heck I want.  It’s flexible time.  I have time to do things that cannot or don’t get done during the week.  I can get things done around the house (ha!).  I can sit and knit/crochet/sew which allows me to sit with my thoughts but still do something that I know I will be donating in Evan’s name.  I can run errands.  I can go down to the river.  I can meet up with friends or family if I’m up for it.  On the weekends when Grant doesn’t work, I get to spend more time with him, which I LOVE.  It’s just flexible time and I love flexible time.  It’s such a necessity in our lives right now.

But my heart is extra heavy today.  I can’t explain it.  I can’t explain why.  Sometimes, breathing is just difficult – which is normal now for me.  Sometimes, breathing feels laboured, almost as if I cannot get enough air and my chest is so heavy I feel like it might collapse.  If I am not curled up in a ball crying, feeling like I am struggling to breathe, I am “blah”.  Sometimes when I am “blah” I can still laugh and make jokes and smile.  Usually, “blah” is as good as it gets.  And I am ok with that.  I can fake my day to day for the most part.  I can put on that brave exterior and pretend like I feel normal.  I can pretend that I don’t miss my son so much every second of every day, that I want to crawl in a hole.  I am good at pretending.  Sometimes when I laugh or smile, it’s not pretending.  That really is the only way to make it through most days.

So, I enjoy having our flexible time to feel free to feel how we need to feel.  Sometimes, I will cry all the way home from work, or during my lunch break.  I don’t find myself crying in the bathroom at work as much anymore, which is good.  I can usually save it for my flexible time.  Some days, I can force myself to do things that need to be done, whereas other days it is next to impossible.  Every moment is so different.

I know all of this is ok.  I mean, it’s not ok that our son is dead.  But it is ok to feel however you feel.  And I want other bereaved parents to know that it is ok.  It just is how it is now.  Life will never be what it was before.  Grant and I will never be the same people we were before.  We are just slowly learning how to adjust to those realities.  My world has been turned upside down.  My soul is barely hanging on.  Evan was such a part of me, in a way I cannot explain.  He is my soul, my world, and the beat of my heart.  My world feels post-apocalyptic now, in a way.  And we’re just trying to navigate it with what we have left.

I am getting ready to send out my first set of knitted/crocheted hats (among a few other items) to http://breathofhopeinc.com/.  All of this sewing/knitting/crocheting has been good for me.  It gives me something to do while I am sitting at home watching Netflix.  It can be calming for me.  I love (and spend so much time) searching for various patterns and learning new techniques.  It makes me feel so good to want to make all kinds of different items for various hospitals and organizations, for various purposes, in Evan’s memory.  Evan was an old soul, a calm soul, and a sweet soul.  He would want to help others.  He would be proud of our family.  Just as we are so very proud of him.

I am still in that place where it seems like it was just yesterday that we saw Evan, yet it feels like an eternity already that we have lived without him.  My heart knows how long it’s been.  But when I close my eyes I can see Evan’s sweet face looking up at us.  And I smile and my heart continues to break at the same time.  We miss him.